A Past Forgiven Read online

  “Jess?”

  She turned around to see Chase staring down at her, wearing the traditional green apron of Starbucks’ employees. How had she missed seeing him when she walked in? “Yes, hi, how are you?”

  “I’m good, are you okay? Can I get you something?”

  “Um,”—she was about to tell her usual—coffee, black with one sugar, but she caught herself, “Sure, I’d love a green tea.” She could have ordered a decaf, but it wouldn’t be the same, so she might as well have a tea instead.

  “Not a coffee fan?” he asked smiling.

  “Something like that.”

  He returned a moment later, and she cupped her hands around the mug, enjoying the warmth that traveled up her arms. She sipped the steaming liquid as she tried to make sense of the last ten minutes.

  When her drink was finished, she began the walk back to the dorm. The last half hour felt like a dream, but perhaps telling Emily would help it feel more real.

  Chapter 20

  Jess stood in front of the closet, surveying the dark contents. Even though she was no longer wearing mostly black, she still preferred darker colors, but nothing was jumping out at her today. What did you wear when you hadn’t seen your mother in months and the last time you did was shrouded with anger and disbelief?

  Deciding on a simple long-sleeved blue shirt, Jess pulled it and some jeans on. She was only a few months along, but already her jeans were starting to fit snugly. She would have to buy some new ones soon.

  A look in the mirror revealed the fear and insecurity in her blue eyes, but there was no turning back now. As much as she wasn’t sure she wanted to see her mother, she didn’t feel okay leaving her sitting in a restaurant waiting either.

  “You look good,” Emily said from her side of the room. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?”

  Jess shot her a grateful look and shook her head. This, she had to do alone. Taking a deep breath and sending words heavenward for wisdom, Jess headed out of the room and to the coffee shop she had agreed to meet her mother at. It was the same coffee shop she had met Chad at just a week before.

  As she pushed open the dorm door, a gust of cool wind blew against her, causing goosebumps to rise on her arms. She should have worn a heavier coat, but the walk wasn’t far.

  By the time Jess reached the coffee shop, her cheeks were numb and probably pink from the cold. She pulled open the door and scanned the shop. Her mother was not one of the patrons, and Jess sighed in relief.

  Chase was working the counter again, and his smile calmed the jitters running through her. After ordering a tea, she took the cup to an empty table and sat down to wait. The liquid warmed her insides, dispelling the last lingering tendrils of cold.

  Her mother walked in a few minutes later, and Jess almost didn’t recognize her. Her dark hair was combed and had regained some of its sheen. Her blue eyes appeared unclouded and focused. Had she gotten off drugs? Her lips curled in a small smile as she stepped in Jess’s direction.

  Jess had forgotten how much she looked like her mother. The resemblance was unnoticeable when she was on drugs. But now her mother looked clean, and Jess could see what she might look like in another fifteen years.

  “Hi Jess.” Her mother stood awkwardly. Jess stared at her, unsure if she were expecting a hug or just awaiting an invitation to sit. She pointed to the chair, not ready to embrace her mother yet.

  “You look good,” her mother said, pulling out the chair and sitting down. “Different.”

  “Yeah, I am different,” Jess said. “You look good too.”

  Her mother’s eyes dropped to the grey tabletop. “Thanks,” she said softly, “it’s because of you. When you left, I... uh I didn’t know what to do. I got worse for a while, I think, but then Stephanie told me Jim was touching her too. I remembered your words, and I stopped taking drugs and started paying attention. You were right about Jim, and I’m so sorry I didn’t believe you. When I realized I couldn’t ignore Stephanie too, I knew I had to take her, leave, and get completely clean. I just hit my ninety-day’s clean milestone.”

  “That’s great, Mom, I’m happy for you.” The words sounded insincere because while happy for her mother, Jess was also guarded and still angry. Her mother had given up drugs a few times before, but it had never lasted.

  “I know it will take time, but I want to see if I can be a part of your life again.”

  Jess was tempted to tell her no, that she had been hurt too often. However, she had learned that God was about forgiveness, and that if she were forgiven, she should forgive her mother as well. It wasn’t easy as the words lodged in her throat, but eventually she managed. “I’d like that.”

  “I’d like to hear how your year is going…. If you don’t mind telling me about it,” she said.

  Jess dropped her eyes to her cup and twirled it around. Did she tell her mother about the baby? It was a pretty important piece of her life, but did she want to share that information yet?

  “My year has been interesting to say the least,” Jess began slowly, deciding that if her mother were making an effort to be in her life that she could make an effort to trust her. “But I guess the most important thing to tell you is that I’m pregnant.”

  Her eyes widened, and her hand flew to her open mouth. “You are?”

  “I’m having the baby,” Jess said. “We didn’t do it right the first time, but we are committed to following God’s way now.”

  “We?” Her mother asked. “So, the father is in the picture?”

  “He is,” Jess said. “You can meet him at church tomorrow.”

  Jess waited for her mother to balk or come up with an excuse not to go, but she smiled and said, “I can’t wait. You obviously found a part of religion I never knew and I’m looking forward to finding out what it is.”

  “It’s not about religion, Mom. It’s about Jesus.” Jess smiled as she continued to share the story with her mother of how she came to know Christ.

  Chad swallowed his feeling of trepidation. He knew this was the right move, but it didn’t make it any easier. This had been a part of his life for the last few years and he wasn’t sure who he would be without it.

  “Can I help you?” The salesman was an older man with a pot belly and a bald spot.

  “Yeah, I need a car,” Chad said. “A nice, safe, economical, family car.”

  “Yeah? We got lots of those. Follow me.”

  The man led Chad through the parking lot to the used car section. After test driving a few and haggling over the price, Chad followed the man into the sales office and spent the next half hour filling out forms.

  Chapter 21

  When Sunday rolled around, Jess couldn’t tame the butterflies in her stomach. Would her mother really go to church with them?

  “You ready?” Emily asked with an encouraging smile.

  Jess swallowed and nodded.

  At the base of the stairs, Chad waited, looking more handsome than Jess had ever seen him. His black leather jacket still graced his shoulders, but underneath he wore a blue button-down shirt that enhanced the color of his eyes, and a pair of black slacks that accentuated his other assets. This was not his first time attending church, but it was the first time he had dressed so nicely.

  “Wow,” Jess breathed. “You clean up nice.”

  “Thank you,” he said. His normal bravado was missing from his voice, but the remaining tone was rich and silky. He closed the distance between them and met Jess at the stairs as her feet were still not cooperating. Taking her hand, he locked eyes with her. “I told you I would prove I was father material to you. This is just step one.”

  As he led the way out to the parking lot, Jess wondered what he had in mind for the other steps.

  “Uh, my car is this way,” Emily said, pointing to the right.

  “I thought we’d take my mine,” Chad said with a smile as he led them to a silver Chevy Traverse.

  “When did you get a car?” Jess asked. The only vehicle he
had ever talked about was his Harley.

  “Yesterday, when I sold my Harley.”

  Jess’s jaw dropped. “You sold your motorcycle? But I loved riding it with you.”

  “Do you have a car?” Chad asked in a teasing tone.

  “Well, no, I sold mine to help pay bills when I moved out of my mom’s house,” she said.

  He squeezed her arm and smiled. “Then one of us needed a car to put a car seat in. We can always get another motorcycle later when we can afford it.”

  Jess blinked at him. The baby wasn’t even due until late summer and he was already thinking about car seats?

  “Besides, in a few months, you’ll be too big to ride behind me,” he said with a glint in his eye.

  Jess playfully slapped his arm, but he was right. In another few months, holding on to him would have become a problem.

  “All right you love birds,” Emily said. “Let's get going. We still need to get your mom, right, Jess?”

  “Yes, we do,” Jess agreed. “You don’t mind, do you?”

  Chad didn’t mind. In fact, he was super curious to meet anyone from Jess’s family. She had only ever mentioned her mother, but even those mentions had been few and far between.

  He pulled into the hotel parking lot Jess directed him to and parked the car. “Do you want me to go with you?”

  She shook her head. “No, I’ll run in and grab her and be right back.” Jess jumped out of the car before he could say anything else and hurried into the hotel.

  “Have you met her yet?” Chad asked, turning to Emily.

  “No, but I hope for Jess’s sake she really has changed.”

  Chad wondered what that meant and made a mental note to ask Jess later. If they were going to do this right, he needed to know all of her, even the stuff she wanted to keep hidden.

  A few minutes later, Jess and an older woman emerged. Other than the few grey streaks sprinkled throughout her hair and the few extra wrinkles on her face that hinted at her older age, the woman could have passed for Jess’s older sister.

  “Mom, this is my roommate Emily,” Jess said as she opened the door and ushered her mother inside. “And this is my boyfriend, Chad.”

  “Nice to meet you both,” the woman said. “You can call me Diane.”

  Chad hoped he would have the chance to ask Diane questions later. He had a lot for her, but for now, church awaited them, so after everyone was buckled in, Chad pointed the car that direction.

  “What did you want to talk to me about?” Jess asked her mother as they walked around the campus. After church, the group had gone to lunch and then Chad had dropped them off at the dorm, so he could finish up work for the next day. Her mother had asked for a tour and Jess obliged, feeling the need to stretch her legs.

  “I uh need to ask you for a favor,” her mother said, dropping her eyes.

  “I don’t have any money, Mom,” Jess said with disgust. She should have known it was too good to be true. Her mother was obviously about to ask for money for drugs.

  “What?” her mother asked. “Oh no, Jess, I don’t need money. I told you I’m clean. I need you to testify against Jim.”

  “No way!” Jess shook her head. “I’ve finally gotten past those memories and you’ve left him. Why on earth would I testify?”

  “Because Stephanie needs you to. She will testify too, but the case would be much stronger with your added testimony. There’s a chance he’ll get away with it if it’s just Stephanie’s word. You know how persuasive he can be.”

  Jess shuddered at the memory. She knew firsthand how persuasive he could be. It was how he got so close to her before she realized what was happening. “I don’t know, Mom. I’ll think about it, but I’m trying to put that behind me. There's a baby to think about now.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry to have to ask. I’ll understand if you can’t, but I truly think it might help with your healing as well,” her mother said.

  Jess bit her lip and shook her head. How was she going to heal if she kept having to revisit the nightmares of her past?

  Chapter 22

  The crisp autumn air cooled as December hit. Jess had picked up a heavier jacket from a local thrift store as the weather forecast often threatened snow now, and her stomach had grown just enough that her leather jacket didn’t zip. The new jacket kept her warm even though the wind had turned the air a little colder on the walk to and from class.

  It was one of these especially chilly days when the semester ended. Jess zipped up her coat as far as it could go, and after throwing her backpack on, she jammed her hands into her pockets to warm them up as best as she could. Though the rooms were warmer than outside, her hands were like ice today.

  As Jess pushed open the door and a wintry chill ambushed her, she wished she had bought a scarf at the thrift store too. Dropping her head, she braved the short walk back to the dorm, wishing there was a fireplace to warm up in front of. She’d have to throw on a heavier sweater and crawl under her covers to warm up. Jess was considering the quickest option when she heard her name being called.

  Chad was hurrying after her, a smile lighting up his whole face. “I’m glad I caught you.” His breath came out in labored gasps. How long had he been running after her? “My mother said there’s a storm coming tomorrow, so are you okay if we head out tonight?”

  Jess and Chad had planned to drive to Amarillo to spend Christmas with his family. Her nerves were in a bundle since it would be her first time meeting them.

  “Sure, I’m mostly packed. Just have to give Emily her gift.”

  “Great, I’ll swing by to get you in an hour after I finish packing.” He leaned in and kissed the corner of her mouth before hurrying off toward his dorm.

  Though it had been short, just the touch of his lips on hers had sent a warm sensation flowing through her body. Jess didn’t think she’d ever tire of kissing him. She hurried the last of the way to the dorm, relishing the disappearing warmth from his lips and looking forward to the heat that the building would offer from the pervading cold outside.

  “Hey,” Emily said looking up from the suitcase she was packing as Jess entered. “I will miss you.” She was going home to Mesquite for the break.

  “Me too, but it’s only a few weeks,” Jess said, putting down her backpack and pulling out her own bag to finish filling it. “Be sure to say hi to everyone in your family for me though. Oh, hey, before you go, I got you this.” Behind her pillow, Jess had hidden a colorfully wrapped gift. She grabbed it and turned around, holding it out to Emily.

  “I’ve got one for you too,” Emily said, holding out her own box. Laughing, the girls exchanged boxes and ripped into the paper.

  “Emily, it’s beautiful,” Jess sighed as she pulled out a delicate silver cross necklace. A small silver ribbon marked by tiny footprints wrapped around it. Ever since she had heard the Footprints in the Sand poem, she had loved the idea of it, and a cross that represented that was a perfect gift. Jess fastened it around her neck and touched the spot where it lay.

  “I’m so glad you like it. I know mine always gives me peace, and I wanted the same for you.” She finished unwrapping her gift and smiled. “Jess, thank you, my old one was getting so full.”

  Jess had found the perfect leather journal for Emily to write her prayer requests in. She held it to her nose sniffing the leather and smiled over the top.

  “Oh, good. I didn’t smell it, but I thought it was perfect,” Jess said with a laugh. Emily crossed the room to throw her arms around Jess in a giant hug which Jess reciprocated until a knock at the door grabbed the girls’ attention. “I’ll get it,” Jess said, crossing to the door.

  Chad stood on the other side, his blue shirt making his eyes appear like the ocean after a storm. “Hey beautiful, are you ready?” He pulled her in, placing his lips on hers, longer this time. Sparks ignited in her body. “Hi Emily,” he said when he finally separated from Jess.

  “Hi Chad,” she waved from the bed, smiling at the show and the blush
that spread across Jess’s face.

  “Come on in, I’m almost ready,” Jess said, recovering. She grabbed his hand and pulled him inside.

  “Okay, I have to go,” Emily said, finishing packing her bag. “Have a great break you two.” She hugged them both before flying out the door.

  Jess smiled at Chad as she shoved the last few things in her bag. This would be their first test at being completely alone since they had decided to no longer have sex. Chad had told her his family was religious, so she wasn’t worried about anything happening at their house. However, it was a nearly two-hour drive there down stretches of road that were not always heavily populated. She and Chad were both growing in their relationship with God daily, but they were still both human and physically attracted to each other.

  “All done,” Jess said and zipped the bag closed. One final glance assured her nothing was plugged in or forgotten. Picking up her bag, Jess followed Chad out the door.

  As soon as the door shut, Jess’s nerves kicked in. Chad had told his family about her when he’d first told them of his decision to follow Christ again, but he hadn’t told them about the baby, and they planned to today.

  Jess’s stomach wasn’t that large, but they wouldn’t be able to ignore it much longer. Chad had assured her his family would be sympathetic and understanding, but past experiences still filled her mind. Sensing her discomfort, Chad squeezed her hand and flashed an encouraging smile.

  The ride to his family’s house was quiet and comfortable with no stops along the less populated roads, but the nerves still tangled in Jess’s stomach. Her throat grew drier the closer they got, and her head pounded as they pulled into his family’s driveway. The SUV crunched over a light dusting of snow. Though it had missed Lubbock, Amarillo had gotten the tail end of the first storm that had passed through a few days ago.