A Past Forgiven Page 3

  A loud snort escaped Jess’s lips. "Yeah, well good luck with that." She finished the cigarette and flicked the butt out the window. Music and messes hadn't worked, smoking hadn't worked, that left men. She would see Chad tomorrow when she had Psychology again. She would just have to work her magic on him.

  Chapter 3

  Jess’s eyes snapped open. Something wasn’t right. It was too bright. Glancing down at her watch, she uttered a quick curse before bounding out of bed. She had overslept and would be late. Any other day, it wouldn’t have mattered, but today was Psychology again, and she didn’t want to miss a minute of staring at beautiful Chad.

  A quick look in the mirror revealed an acceptable package. So, after a quick finger-comb of her hair, she hastily brushed her teeth, grabbed her books, and ran out the door. Though she didn’t want to be out of breath when she arrived, she needed to walk at a quick pace or she would miss the first few minutes. As Jess trekked across the campus to the Psychology building, she wondered if it had been long enough that she could use Chad’s number now. The loneliness was settling in, and some male company seemed liked the perfect remedy.

  A glance at her wrist showed two minutes till class started. Jess quickened her pace and slid into a seat just seconds before Chad walked into the room. Taking a deep breath to calm her thudding heart, she smiled at him. She had chosen a seat closer to the front this time to see him better and so he would be sure to see her.

  As he lectured, Jess tried to take notes, but her pen found its way to her mouth and her mind kept removing Chad’s button-down shirt and revealing a six-pack of abs she longed to run her fingers over. Dropping her eyes, she tried to think of something else, anything else, to keep her obvious attraction from blazing like a marquee across her face.

  The minutes seemed to both fly by and crawl at the same time. After her fourteenth glance at the clock, she began to fidget in her seat. Why couldn’t the minute hand move faster? Jess wanted to catch up with Chad after class like she had on Monday.

  When the class finally ended, Jess took her time gathering her things, hoping not to look too obvious. The door closed behind the last student, and she bounded down the front two rows and smiled at him. “Care for a smoke today?”

  He looked up at her, his eyes traveling her body and taking in her tight shorts and black crop top. Jess was glad she had the figure to get away with them. “Actually, I’ve got the afternoon off,” he smiled, “how would you like a private study session?”

  She licked her lips, knowing exactly what he meant with his innuendo. His mind was certainly on the same track as hers. “I could definitely use one. I keep getting distracted because the teacher is so hot.”

  “Is that right?” he asked, matching her seductive tone. “Well then, your place or mine?”

  Jess paused for a moment because she didn’t know Emily’s schedule yet. While she wanted to annoy Emily, she also wanted to make sure this happened. If Emily were already in the room, it might not. “Let’s do your place. I have the roommate from Hades, and I don’t know if she’ll be there or not.”

  He chuckled. “Yeah, I remember those days. So glad to have a single now.”

  “Yeah, they were supposed to get me one, but some idiot in their office screwed up.”

  “All right, come on.” He locked the door, and Jess walked with him out into the sunshine. Math would have to take a back seat today, but she figured that was okay as she would be practicing a little addition anyway.

  Chad didn’t speak on the trek to his building, but Jess didn’t care. Visions of what was coming filled her head and sent her pulse racing. As they entered the building, Chad grabbed his mail and headed up the stairs. Jess hurried behind him. He stopped outside room 212 and pulled out his keys. Jess swallowed the emotion in her throat; this was really going to happen! After opening the door, he held out his arm in a gesture for her to go first.

  His room was like a small apartment. A private bathroom was on the left and a small kitchenette on the right. The main hallway opened to a living room with a door off to the left. A big screen TV hung on the wall of the living room, and a battered brown couch sat across from it. A small table was to the left of the couch.

  “Just drop your bag there,” he said pointing at the couch, before turning to another small table in the kitchenette.

  Jess tossed her bag on the couch and turned around to come face to face with Chad’s chest. He had dropped his mail and then closed the distance between them when she had been facing the other way. His arms wrapped around her waist and his eyes bore into her soul. Jess could get lost in those blue depths.

  He dropped his head, and his lips crushed hers. Jess eagerly responded, following his lead as he walked her toward the door she had noticed earlier. Pushing it open with his back, Chad pulled Jess into the room and closed the door.

  “Well, you certainly know how to make a girl’s first week enjoyable,” Jess said, smiling up at Chad from the crook of his arm.

  He returned her smile, but conflicting emotions battled in his head. He had thought a romp with Jess would be just like every other fling he’d had for the last two years, but when he’d looked into her eyes, he’d felt something. Something like he used to feel when he dated before Kyle’s death. And it scared him.

  “Yeah, well, always happy to lend my services,” he said. His hand traced a slow pattern on her shoulder as he thought about what to do. He needed to process and find a way to shut those feelings off again. “I should tell you though, I don’t do relationships.”

  “I wasn’t asking you to,” she said, but he saw the flicker of hurt cross her face. A small part of him wanted to take his words back, but he was not a relationship guy. At least not since the death of his brother. Instead, he did what felt safest. He pushed her further away.

  “Good,” he said, “because while I’d love to do this again sometime, right now I need to get some work done.” Chad stared at her, forcing his face to remain impassive.

  A flush of embarrassment crawled across Jess’s face. “Oh, right, okay, sure.” She rolled out of the bed and grabbed her clothes from the floor, pulling them on as fast as she could. “I’ll uh just get out of your hair I guess.”

  “Thanks for understanding.” Chad rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair of shorts. “If you want to get together again, call me, and if I don’t hear from you before then, I’ll see you next week in class.”

  “Sure, sounds good,” Jess said, but Chad could tell she was forcing the brightness. Still, it was better this way. He needed to be upfront with her and let her know he was only looking for fun. He walked her to the front door, planted a quick kiss goodbye on her lips, and ushered her into the hallway.

  As the door closed behind her, he leaned against it. What was going on with him? He never had feelings for the women he let come over, so why was he feeling something for Jess?

  Across the room, his cell phone rang, dispelling thoughts of Jess for the moment, but as he picked up the phone and looked at the screen, he sighed. It was his mother. Though he didn’t feel like talking to her, he couldn’t ignore her call. She was hurting too and lonely with his father working all day, Kyle gone, and Kendra in school all day.

  “Hi, Mom,” he said as he clicked the answer call button.

  “Hello, Son. How was your first week of teaching?” Her voice held the same false brightness he had detected in Jess’s voice a few minutes ago.

  “It was all right, I guess. It’s a big class, so it should keep me busy.”

  “Have you made any new friends?”

  Chad rolled his eyes. “Mom, it’s college, not grade school.”

  “Sorry, I mean have you met anyone interesting?”

  Just Jess he thought, but he wasn’t telling his mother that. Though she probably suspected his philandering ways, she had never asked and he had never offered the information.

  “It’s the first week, Mom. I’ve been a little busy with instructing and keeping up with my own classes.”
/>
  “Oh, well,” she paused, “have you found a church?”

  Chad sighed. They had this same discussion every time she called. “I’m not going to church, Mom. I told you that.”

  “It wasn’t God’s fault, Chad.”

  “Mom, we’ve been through this. Maybe you can still worship a God who lets your son get killed, but I can’t. Look, I’m glad you called, but I need to get ready for a test on Monday.” It wasn’t the truth, but Chad couldn’t handle any more guilt about not attending church.

  “Okay, Son. I’ll be praying for you.”

  “Sure, Mom.” As Chad hung up the phone, he wondered if he’d ever get past his hurt and anger.

  The door closed behind Jess, and a seed of disgust sprouted in her stomach. Why did she do this to herself? She knew nothing about Chad other than he was good looking, and yet she’d jumped right into bed with him.

  A wave of anger boiled within her veins as she thought back to her most recent stepfather. He was the reason she did this. She hadn’t been able to stop him from taking advantage of her, but once she’d found she could use sex to gain control in other relationships, the destructive pattern she’d been in the last few years had begun.

  Unbidden, her thoughts wandered to Stephanie, and Jess wondered if she were okay. Stephanie was technically Jess’s cousin, but when Stephanie’s parents died in a car crash, Jess’s mother had gained custody. While Jess had no love for the girl, she hadn’t wanted Jim to turn his attention on her. He was certainly sick enough to do just that. She’d tried to warn Stephanie, but like Jess’s mother, the girl hadn’t believed her.

  “You’re wrong, you know? Jim would never do that,” Stephanie said, barging into Jess’s room. “He’s been such a great father to us.”

  “I know you don’t want to believe it,” Jess said, “but he does. That miscarriage I had? The baby was Jim’s.”

  Stephanie narrowed her eyes into slits and shook her head. “I don’t believe you. You’re obviously sleeping around to make yourself feel pretty. It’s not our fault you couldn’t narrow the father down.”

  Jess flinched at the hateful words. While she had begun sleeping around, it was only to erase the memory of carrying her stepfather’s baby, even if only for a few weeks. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jess shot back, “but I’ll be leaving for college soon and he’ll have no one else. Do you think this was easy for me to tell you? I didn’t ask for this. If you won’t believe me, at least keep your guard up. Don’t be alone with him and try to keep mom sober.”

  “You’re disgusting. I’ll be glad when you’re gone,” Stephanie said and stomped out of the room.

  With a sigh, Jess pushed the memory away and headed down the hallway. Jim was no longer her problem. She’d closed that chapter of her life and had no intention of ever going back.

  Emily looked up from her Bible as Jess entered the dorm room. Her mouth opened as if to speak, but then she closed it and dropped her eyes back to her Bible.

  Thank God for small miracles. Jess grabbed her headphones from the bed and turned up the music. The pounding beats made it impossible to think, which was exactly what she needed.

  Chapter 4

  Friday was uneventful. As class ended, a part of Jess wanted to dial Chad’s number to see if he was available. The other part of her still remembered the used feeling that enveloped her as he practically chased her from his room Wednesday. No, she might not have much dignity left, but she had enough not to call him this soon.

  Jess didn’t even stop at the front desk to check her mailbox as she entered the dorm. No one wrote to her, and her cell phone bill wasn’t due yet. Though she didn’t regret leaving home, she missed having someone to talk to. It wasn’t like her mother had really listened in the last few years, but she had still been a warm body to throw words at. Some days, when Jim worked late and Stephanie wasn’t around, they had watched movies together or baked cookies like old times.

  She supposed she could have talked to Emily, but they had nothing in common besides being here on scholarship. No way could Jess tell her about Chad. Anyone who read their Bible and prayed as much as Emily did had no knowledge of lusty desires.

  With a sigh, Jess stuck her key in the door and turned the knob, waiting for a barrage of questions about her day, but the room lay silent. Emily’s bed was made but empty. Everything on her side of the room sat neatly in its place, as she always left it, but something was off.

  Jess closed her eyes and pictured Emily’s side of the room the way she had last seen it. The picture in her head scanned from left to right and when it reached Emily’s nightstand, Jess’s eyes popped open. Yes, there where her Bible usually sat, was an empty space. Since Jess doubted someone snuck into their room just to steal a Bible, she decided Emily must be off at some religious get-together.

  As she dropped her bag on the bed, the desire to call Chad flared again. They would have the room to themselves, and if lucky, Emily might return while Chad was here, get offended, and leave for good.

  Jess pulled her phone out of her pocket and swiped the screen, but as she clicked on the green phone icon, she paused. Calling today would make her appear desperate and nothing turned a guy off faster than desperation. In fact, the only thing worse than the used discarded feeling was the feeling of rejection. No, she could wait a few more days to dial his number. Play a little hard to get. She shoved the phone back in her pocket, plopped down on the bed, and punched the power button for the TV remote.

  The TV hung on the wall, an older model that worked only because the dorm supplied free cable. Jess flicked past the news and the evening game shows, but on a Friday night not much else was on, unless she wanted to watch reruns of Full House or The Golden Girls, which she didn’t.

  She flicked the TV off. There was always YouTube on her laptop, but Jess didn’t feel like watching silly videos either. That left homework. There had been little assigned - being the first week of school - but she needed to catch up in the math class she had skipped. Jess pulled out the book and the syllabus, and after scanning for the missed assignment, she opened the book and tried to focus on the problems.

  After reading the same problem three times, she closed the book and tapped her fingers on the cover. Entertainment! That’s what she needed. This was a college town; surely a club existed near the campus.

  Pushing the book aside, Jess stood up and grabbed her keys. After shoving her license, a credit card, and a twenty in the pocket of her shorts, she headed out the door, locking it behind her.

  A mousy brunette with her face shoved in a book manned the information desk on the first floor. Though she looked like she could use it, Jess doubted she had ever stepped foot in a club, but her job was to know crap, so hopefully she had received good training.

  “Hey,” Jess said, tapping the desk to get her attention. The girl’s eyes flicked up, but the book remained open, her index finger marking her stopping point. “Are there any local clubs around here that allow under twenty-ones?”

  Her eyebrow inched up her forehead. “You have a phone?” she asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Then Google it.” Her attention returned to her book.

  “Thanks a lot,” Jess said, though the words dripped with sarcasm. How that girl still had a job was beyond her. They must be desperate for help. Jess dug her cell phone from her pocket and pulled up a browser.

  There were three clubs listed, but only one allowed underage entrance on Friday nights. The Hangout it was then. After plugging the address into her phone, Jess headed that direction.

  The Hangout was a large brick building that looked like it had been a warehouse at some point. A large, muscled man with tattoos on his biceps, up his neck, and on his bald head stood at the door. Whether he was or not, he exuded a tough exterior and with his beefy arms crossed, he looked like a solid wall.

  “ID please,” he said as she approached.

  Jess dug in her back pocket and pulled out her license. She no long
er had her car, having sold it to have money for college expenses until she could get a job, but her license was still valid though rarely used now.

  He perused it, flipped it over, and then handed it back. “It’s a ten-dollar cover.”

  Jess nodded and pulled open the solid metal door. Another man, much smaller and wearing Buddy Holly type glasses stood behind a counter. She handed a twenty to him and he slid a ten-dollar bill back which she shoved in her pocket before scanning the room.

  The room was large and open with a bar on the left and a dance floor in the middle, encased by a railing that separated it from the tables around the outside. Few people were on the dance floor yet as it was relatively early, but the music was blaring and lights lit up the floor.

  Jess walked over to the bar and ordered a Diet Coke. She lounged on a barstool while she waited. A few minutes later, a glass slid in front of her and she sipped it as she watched the few people on the dance floor.

  A girl with long brown dreads appeared lost in her own world, swaying slightly to the music while a chunky boy tried to gain the attention of the two blonde girls on the floor. They were adept at ignoring him, turning their back to him whenever he approached while making it appear they simply danced to the beat.

  “You a people watcher?”

  Jess turned to the bartender who leaned against the counter watching her watch the dance floor.

  “Sometimes,” she said with a shrug. “They’re all basically the same though.”

  His brows knit together, “What do you mean?”

  “I mean we all put on a show to get people to like us, but then our real colors come out and we just end up hurting each other.”

  He let out a low whistle. “Well, that’s a very pessimistic view of the world. You seem a little young to be so jaded.”

  “It is what it is.” She finished the drink and pushed it back to him. He had no idea what was in her past nor did he have the right to judge her. “Have a good night.” Suddenly, she didn’t want to stay here with the intuitive bartender and the sparse crowd.